Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
car not found
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall