what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
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[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that