what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
