Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Pigeon open mic night.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.