what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too