what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?