Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.