Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

(Musicians.)

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

WHY would you be happy about this?

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

handsome & gretel

Thanks to a fan for this one.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?