What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
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SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once