what’s the point then??
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very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.