what’s the point then??
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Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.