Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice