Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

Never forget.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.