What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
You Might Also Like
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.