What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
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“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Spring of Deception
If you love someone, let them tweet.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there