Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?