What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
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[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
looks legit
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real