Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

Holy moly

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

Mmmm canned fish.

My therapist after every session