what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly