What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
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[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
wtf is an acronym
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same