Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

calling in to work dehydrated

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Gross if literal…Liverpool

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.