What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
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Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
pep talk
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them