What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
If only.
I’m having an out of money experience.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Suuuuure
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.