What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
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Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
my astrological sign is a french fry
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing