What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
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At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.