What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Is this you?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Fight
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble