Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?