Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name