What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!