What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
classic mixup
