What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
