What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Truly one of the great bangers
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Effort made
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.