What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
It’s his time
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
