What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person