Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)