Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.