What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
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Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
*pokes sex life with a stick
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal