Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

U talkin 2 me?

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.