“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
#StillHurts
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Buck naked
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces