“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Smallpox sounds so adorable
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it