“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?