“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.