What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
put ‘er there pardner!
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT