“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Facebook memories be like
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.