“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
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Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Managing expectations
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.