What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
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Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?