Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Good point.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.