what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
scrabbled eggs
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.