Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

sigh

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.