Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

Fight

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

When I grow up, I want to be 16

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.