What’s this sorcery? 😂
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My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
No.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.