What’s this sorcery? 😂
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die