What’s this sorcery? 😂
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God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Word!
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
You don’t even know
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no