“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.