“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
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GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.