“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
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Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is