What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD