Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
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If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.