Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?