Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

“You’d better run, egg!”

Happy Febuary everyone!

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

My dad teaching me to drive

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else