What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
You Might Also Like
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
me
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Natural selection at its finest
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.