Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Good morning

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.