Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

found a horse’s reddit account

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

This kid is going places

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.