What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
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“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.