If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
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Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?