“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*