Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

Wednesday

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.