Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Herpes is trending, good job people

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.