“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal