What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
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Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.