Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions