What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
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Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Now, where’s the sport in that?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you