Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

Practicing safe sax

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.