What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
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Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.